I thought it would be cute, you know, to offer a passel of gin drinks, two connected by having men’s names in their appellation…but they were mostly a colossal bore. So I added the Bloody Mary to spice up the night.

The Tom Collins

The Tom Collins has The Essential Cocktail‘s most confusing and least interesting origin stories. In fact, I just fell asleep telling you that. And yet a particular tall, narrow chimney glass has been named for the drink.

1 1/2 ounces London dry gin
1 ounce simple syrup
3/4 ounce freshly squeezed lemon juice
Club soda
Maraschino cherry and orange slice for garnish

The problem with drinks “topped” with club soda, particularly ones served in the very narrow Collins glass, is that if you don’t stir the thing a bit before drinking you get all the soda and the good stuff sits at the bottom. No recipe ever says to stir before enjoying. What happens is that you end up gingerly poking the column of ice cubes down into the drink to try to mix it up. You get what I call “ice-finger” (some call it “drink-digit”). Now maybe there is some kind of cocktail philosophy that I’m missing here. Perhaps the object of these drinks is to sip the weak stuff at the top for a while, gradually getting down to business as it melts and mixes on its own schedule. I don’t believe so. If I make or order a drink, I want the drink 100%. I don’t want to wait ten minutes for the gin to sucker-punch me.

The Tom Collins is an utter delight, of course. I really appreciate the sweetness of the full ounce of simple syrup. It’s another absolutely superior alternative to a gin and tonic. It’s refreshing and flavorful and it looks like a heck of a lot of fun.

The Gin Fizz

So as I was draining the last of the Tom Collins I thought “That was pretty good, I could have another.” Well, here it is. The Gin Fizz is just a Tom Collins in a smaller glass with no garnish. Otherwise, identical. I know it’s disappointing. Go back and look at the Pousse Cafe if you’re bored…

The Gin Rickey

Another boring and ultimately improbable cocktail origin story involving politics. Named for a 19th century Washington lobbyist who later became the first major U.S. importer of limes? It’s gin, lime juice, and club soda. That’s it.

Hey, look folks! A Tom Collins/Gin Fizz without simple syrup. Yawn. Tart as hell though. DeGroff says to feel free to add simple syrup. Good grief. So I thought ahead when I made this and used Gordon’s Gin…that way I didn’t feel to bad when I poured it down the sink. Seriously, do I HAVE to get snot-flinging drunk every night for this project?

The Bloody Mary

Being that Mary had been a popular name for hundreds of years, it’s no wonder the origin of this drink is so hotly contested. I always feel like having a Bloody Mary at the airport lounge. I don’t know why. I never feel like having one anywhere else, anytime else. What I like about the Bloody Mary is that it seems like your having a meal when you drink it. Honestly it’s like a glass of vodka spiked gazpacho. And usually you get it with a giant celery stalk to gnaw on as well. The Essential Cocktail‘s recipe only calls for wedges of lemon and lime though, and even then served on a plate on the side. What is clear is that it’s okay to freelance and improvise with the Bloody Mary to make it your own. Here’s the basic recipe:

2 ounces vodka (Finlandia!)
4 ounces tomato juice (Campbell’s)
1/2 ounce freshly squeezed lemon juice
3 dashes Tabasco sauce
2 dashes Worcestershire sauce
Pinch each of salt and black pepper
Wedges of lemon and lime for garnish on the side

I made mine pretty spicy. DeGroff calls for three dashes of Tabasco but I’m sure a couple extra sneaked in before I could notice. In addition, I put in my own little spin. Now I don’t eat fast food too often. I don’t eat at Jack in the Box, McDonalds, or Burger King. I’ll have a double-double at the In-N-Out occasionally but that’s not fast food, that’s just a great hamburger that they happen to serve while wearing little paper hats. The one fast food I can eat just about anytime, and ALWAYS on a road trip, is Taco Bell. (RIP Glen Bell) I am guilty of fooling myself into thinking that the Bell serves up healthier fare just because it isn’t fried. But beyond that, it’s just disgustingly tasty when you are famished. Back to my little secret: I stock up on Hot Sauce packets when I’m there and use them in my own cooking on occasion. I like having a secret ingredient. So I put about half a packet into this Bloody Mary. It was good.

Kiss -- Cold Gin -- Live 1976