Finally!

This is one of the “Classics” in The Essential Cocktail. I was ready for a legendary drink. Though I understand it is kind of popular amongst the bar-going kids today, hipsters be damned, here’s the Sazerac.

1 sugar cube
3 or 4 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
2 ounces rye (I used Wild Turkey Rye)
Splash of absinthe (I used Lucid absinthe)
Lemon peel for garnish

You muddle the sugar cube with the bitters until “dissolved” but you can’t really dissolve a sugar cube with 3 dashes of bitters. Add a little water, says DeGroff, and that’s what I did. Put the rye in there with the sugar-bitters and some ice. Then you take a chilled rocks glass and basically rinse it with absinthe. Just splash a bit in the glass, swirl it around to coat the inside, then pour out the excess. Strain the rye into the prepped rocks glass, add the lemon peel and sip.

Finally a DRINK. When someone says “I need a drink…” this is what they are referring to. It’s rye, baby. Rye, rye, rye. Then at the end it’s a little anise from the absinthe. Instant relaxation of the shoulders. Exhaling (not near open flame, please). My tongue assures you that the lemon peel is just for looks. I don’t care how much of a hipster doofus you will undoubtedly look like, you have my permission to order this at your company’s holiday party this year. This cocktail has got “Nancy from Accounts Payable is looking HOT tonight in her blue dreidel sweater” written all over it.

It smells like candy. Stick your nose down into the glass and sniff. Chocolate covered cherries. Not fancy-ass chocolate covered cherries. Not Godiva Chocoiste Dark Cherry Cordials for $37. No. The kind you get at Rite-Aid for $2.99 a box while picking up your prescription on your lunch hour. The kind you sit in your car in the Rite-Aid parking lot and eat all of.

You can’t eat one cherry, that’s like a punishment. If you have two, that leaves one left in the row. You can’t have that. You eat the third one a bit too quickly and you decide to have another to savor. While you savor the fourth one, you buckle up, turn the key and put the car in reverse. Someone else is backing out so you’ll have to wait. You put the car back into park because it’s going to be another 22 seconds…have another cherry.

Another row with just one left in it. That’s bad feng shui. Pop it in your mouth and that’ll be it. You’ve eaten half the box. Can you take half a box of chocolate covered cherries home? The kids will demolish half a box in seconds flat. You won’t get any more. Plus, your significant other will want to know who at work gave you a box of chocolate covered cherries, the sexiest candy out there. You eat another, almost absent-mindedly while you ponder that discussion. That leaves two in the row and that looks fine. Five chocolate covered cherries left. Perfect. One for Daphne, one for Phil, one for Nate, one for Julia though she’ll just gum it into submission in her cute little 8 month-old mouth, and one for you.

Nate doesn’t really like sweets though, does he? You chomp down on another cherry, sort of sure Nate wouldn’t want one anyway. But you really should have offered it to him. It’s okay. You’ll just sacrifice your last cherry to offer to Nate. So, no dessert for you tonight. That sucks. You bought the damn things. If Nate wants chocolate covered cherries, let him get a job and buy some. He’s almost four for god’s sake. Another row with just one cherry. Before you can consider the implications, you are dizzy with the cherry syrup filling your mouth.

Three cherries left. Were you actually considering giving a chocolate covered cherry to an 8 month-old? What kind of mother are you? You eat Julia’s piece considering it a Mother’s Day present from your darling baby girl. Two cherries left. As the chocolate melts on your tongue, you look down into the nearly empty box.

Okay, now it’s empty.

What the second one looked like.

Damn. Now I want some chocolate covered cherries. Am I too drunk to stumble to the Rite-Aid?

Where the Names Came From: Daphne is Daphne Cohen, aged 3, daughter of Patty and David. Nate is Nathan Jennings, aged 3 years 9 months, son of Earlene and Chris. Julia is Julia Morgan Brown, aged 8 months, daughter of Jan. Phil is just a generic male name I use.